


I Bet My Life

by tmwillson3



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Canon Compliant, F/M, Family Feels, Forgiveness, Leia Organa Needs a Hug, Movie: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Canon, Redeemed Ben Solo, Songfic, Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-12 05:42:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20998664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmwillson3/pseuds/tmwillson3
Summary: Inspired by the TROS image of Ben in the desert and the two word prompt Broken and Forgiveness. Ben Solo comes to the Resistance, but first he has to face his mother.





	I Bet My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Flydam for doing this! I've been wanting to do this fic for a while. I own nothing, especially not the Imagine Dragons song.

_ "I know I took the path that you would never want for me. _

_ I know I let you down, didn't I?" _

  
  


Crashing on Pasaana was the hardest thing Ben Solo ever did. 

There were some events that came close, like killing his father. However, as he walked through the desert, sweating from wearing his normal black clothing and cape, choking on all the sand that really did get everywhere, he could honestly say this was harder.

It was time to face the consequences of his actions. There was no killing the past; he could only accept it, just as he had come to accept the hard truth about his grandfather. 

It took fighting Rey on the remnants of the second Death Star to see that truth. With every angry clash of their sabers, he saw more of his past played out, saw the events that made his grandfather who he was, and saw the awful truth: his grandfather experienced just as much pain and conflict as he did. Darth Vader was powerful because he sought that alone, but had lost everyone and everything. 

But Ben didn't have to continue the cycle. He could be different. Rey had showed him a new path. She had comforted him for a time before leaving him alone to think, encouraging him to join her on Pasaana with the Resistance. He had gone to the old helmet of his grandfather, trying to understand, only to meet the one person who was the cause of all his family's pain: Palpatine. 

Meeting that evil brought everything into focus and made his path clear; he had to defect. He had to stay true to himself and his family. 

That brought new troubles to light. He had come so far along this path, even becoming Supreme Leader, and for what?

To be the most lonely, pitiful man in existence. He was broken, a shell of the man of before, barely getting by with all the stress of leading and drained by trying to cut out Rey and everything he wanted. He was alienated and feared by all. He had lost everything worthwhile despite getting what he had always wanted. He thought he wanted that power, but then everything changed when Rey entered the picture. Now the power was just an illusion, and it didn't satisfy him. 

Only Rey did. So many sleepless nights he had unconsciously reached out to her, and she had held him, she feeling just as lost and tired of the mantle she had inherited from Luke. There was comfort and healing in her arms, but most of all forgiveness. 

Now he ran to those arms, her presence in the Force his beacon, his bright ray of light. 

But with those arms came more than he wanted. Like admitting he was wrong. He hated being wrong, and knowing that he had wasted years of his life on this. He thought he had gone too far, that he had to finish things and see them through after killing Han and Snoke, but now he knew better. 

His grandfather had never spoken to him through his mask; that had been Palpatine. He would never join that pernicious, soul-sucking spirit. It was a hard lesson, and he hated now more than ever that he had killed his father.

Was it worth it? How had Rey forgiven him? Would anyone else accept him?

He already knew the answer to that last question, and that was why he became afraid as he closed the distance to Rey. The rocky outcroppings in the distance told him that he was close; Rey had said it was hidden underground and had natural protection.

He knew when he walked into the base that most people would hate him. That was fine; he didn't care about them or their opinions. There were only three who mattered. Rey was the main one, and she was ready to welcome him at least. 

He was sure Chewie would try to kill him the moment he saw the killer of his best friend, and he'd give Chewie one free shot. He deserved it. 

But that wasn't the person who made it hard for him to look in the mirror. There was only one who could do that.

He felt her presence as soon as he passed through a rocky arch. 

_ Mother. _

_ "So many sleepless nights where you were waiting up on me. _

_ Well I'm just a slave unto the night." _

He didn't know how he was going to face her after all this time. How could he? What was he supposed to say?

_ Come back. _

Those two little words whispered through his mind, and he felt an ache unlike anything else. How often had he cried out those words to his mother when she was leaving for work, or after waking up from nightmares? How many times had he secretly wished she would tell him that after sending him to study with Luke?

Where had those words come from? It reminded him of his mother, the words able to evoke both peace and hurt at the same time. He had felt her presence in the Force when he couldn't shoot her, and that was when he knew he would never make it the way Snoke wanted him to. He just couldn't go through with it. There were so many complicated feelings involving her: to be noticed, wanted, accepted. 

To be loved. 

It was a weakness, one he eschewed normally, but he couldn't resist that other beacon of light in his life. His father, mother, and Luke all thought he was gone to the Dark Side, so he did what was expected. He gave them what they wanted. 

Too late he saw that they didn't want that. He had had to flee to the farthest corners of the galaxy to escape his mother's constant thoughts and worries for him, the many sleepless nights she had concerning him as he took his place beside Snoke.

_ Now remember when I told you that's the last you'll see of me. _

_ Remember when I broke you down to tears. _

Eventually, he learned to deal with and suffer through that pain. He learned to tune her out. He got too good. He stayed that way until Starkiller Base. He had committed to something, and he was determined to see it through. 

The relationship with his father had always been complicated. Even more so with his mother. Killing Han had destroyed him, and he believed Snoke was right when he said that the deed split him. He thought he had wanted the power, the darkness. He thought he had gone to the dark and completely destroyed Ben Solo after killing Han. He felt Leia's grief at losing Han, the many tears she hid from her Resistance crew, and he deserved all the regret and pain that resulted from it. He didn't care, though, or at least he told himself that he didn't care that she cried. He thought he had said goodbye to the old self and sent a clear message to his mother that she would never see her son again after all that time.

But he was wrong. He had hunted her and her ragtag army down, killed so many, and almost killed her. The fact that he beat up the pilot who was responsible for injuring his mother was frustrating, but the truth was still there: he let it happen and was too weak to do it himself. 

He had never been more relieved when he felt Leia's presence on Crait. It made things more complicated for him, but she was alive. That was what mattered. Still, he continued to hunt her down in the year following Crait, but he was always distracted by Rey. He was glad that he had gone against all the teaching he had ever received to seek that connection and love with Rey. However, that didn't change the fact that he deserved nothing but hate and rejection from his mother. 

_ "I know I took the path that you would never want for me. _

_ I gave you hell through all the years." _

He had killed so many people that she loved. He killed Han and effectively Luke. 

How did he come back from that? How did he face her now after so many years of chase and destruction?

_ Come home. _

Home. What was home? It wasn't Chandrila anymore. It wasn't the countless ships that Snoke used. 

Was it the warm, welcoming embrace of Rey? Was it being with her wherever she was? Was it being accepted by his mother once more, staying true to himself and the legacy he wanted to uphold?

Or was it something more general than that? 

Han had asked him to come home. Home, as in the Resistance? No. To his parents, perhaps. 

He didn't make that distinction until later, but Han's words had tugged at his heartstrings. Home. He wanted home, whatever it was. Not endlessly searching for something that always left him empty and conflicted than when he began. It was an endless maze of guilt, regret, and loneliness that greeted him since joining Snoke, and he was tired of that. The conflict would always be there, but he was denying a part of himself, just as Anakin had. It was the wrong path, and he hated admitting that he was wrong, and his mother right.

" _ So I, I bet my life, I bet my life, _

_ I bet my life for you. _

_ I've been around the world, and never in my wildest dreams _

_ Would I come running home to you." _

Sand blew into his mouth, and he spit it out, hating sand all the more. He didn't understand how Rey didn't hate the desert and complain more about it. The sun was punishing him, and he walked faster, determined to escape the draining heat and sweat that covered every inch of him. 

He had no expectations that he would be welcomed by more than Rey. He expected to be taken prisoner, at least until he told them about the greater threat and his plans to destroy Palpatine. 

He didn't expect his mother to welcome him with open arms, even if that was all he secretly wanted. He wouldn't ask for forgiveness; he didn't deserve it. If she would stand beside him one day, that would be enough for him.

He grumbled to himself about sand, and then he heard three words, spoken just like the other two times. 

_ Come home, Ben. _

It sounded like his mother. It felt like his mother. How could it be her, though? He only had a connection with Rey. 

All the same, the words had the desired effect: he walked faster and began looking for a particular rock that Rey told him about. He was sure that he was close. He could feel Rey's comforting presence in the Force, covering and healing him. He also felt his mother strongly, as though she were trying to project certain feelings onto him. 

Home. That was what he wanted. He was running there because it was all that he had left. The only people he wanted. He had wandered for so long, and all he wanted was rest. Peace. Home, whatever it was.

_ "I've told a million lies, but now I tell a single truth: _

_ There's you in everything I do." _

He wanted peace, just as his mother had worked so tirelessly to do. He had done a better job of it in his mind, and he had tried to incorporate her policies in order to make the First Order better, more fair. He had tried being a statesman and leader, just like her. He was his mother's son, and he was more like her than he cared to think about.

The same anger, passed down from his grandfather. The same passion that drove them with single-minded purpose to accomplish a goal and not give up, even after losing their home world or family. 

He hoped beyond hope that she would accept him, only because they both wanted the same thing. Peace. Healing. No more Palpatine and First Order. He had told himself enough lies in order to rationalize joining Snoke, and since helping Rey overcome her lies, he had analyzed himself. He didn't like what he saw. The purpose was noble in his mind, but the means were not always perfect. His mother wasn't perfect, either, and she saw that later on, at least according to Rey. 

The truth was simple: he wasn't comfortable as himself. He never had been. He kept following different causes because he didn't believe in himself or know what he truly wanted. 

Now he did. 

He knew who he was. He was Ben Solo, a conflicted man like his grandfather, with the heart of his father and the inner strength and power of his mother. He was tired of war, of lies, of manipulation and pain, and he wanted to make things right. He wanted peace. He was a product of his past, but he was not his past or a legacy. He was only himself, just as Rey was Rey. 

And he was good enough as that. He could accept that he was conflicted and always would be now. It was all a matter of balance. 

_ "Don't tell me that I'm wrong. _

_ I've walked that road before _

_ And left you on your own. _

_ Please forgive me for all I've done." _

As he walked past an oddly shaped rock, he mentally complained that he was seeing things. 

_ That's it! Push the rock down. _

He recognized Rey's voice, and that was when he realized that the bond between them had opened without him realizing. Again. How long had it been open?

_ As soon as you got out of your ship. You're almost home, Ben. _

Was he really home, though? He watched the opening appear, and he stepped in before it closed. He followed Rey's careful, patient directions, and the presence of his mother became overwhelming. 

The thing of it was that she seemed  _ happy.  _ How? Why? 

As he passed through the final hallway, he heard the hushed voices talking about an unknown volunteer that Rey was excited to introduce to them since he would change the course of the war. All became quiet when they heard him approach.

He stepped into the room, and his eyes immediately found Rey, needing her strength to face his mother. However, he had worried for nothing. As soon as he saw Rey, he saw Leia beside her, smiling warmly with open arms. Then he saw Leia open her mouth and whisper into Rey's ear. He heard those words distinctly, just like before, and he finally understood why he could. 

_ Welcome home, my Son. I've missed you. _

He heaved a sigh. He had found home, somewhere where his soul was at rest and finally accepted. This was what he wanted. 

When he finally made it to his mother much later, she captured him in her arms, unwilling to let go. Her words soothed him more than anything else could.

"I'm sorry, Son. I love you. I forgive you, my Son. Now and always."

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
